love makes seman taste better
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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