When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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