eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
