I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
