How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
