Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
