I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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