you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
