After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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