also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
