Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
