I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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