nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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