So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
accomplished twins. life is a go
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
