I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
