My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize