That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
