when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
