dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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