The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
