I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize