Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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