I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
