I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
