After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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