im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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