i need an iv and a liver transplant
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
