Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
