Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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