I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
