All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
