Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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