Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
