i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
