lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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