Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
