My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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