just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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