Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
