I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My balls are so social today.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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