i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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