I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize