Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
