True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize