Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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