i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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