I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
