mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
