Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
