hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
