You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
