I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
