the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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