I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
please come you make the beer taste better
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
