Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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