Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
