I am puke
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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