definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
