Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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