I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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