if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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