If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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