I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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