im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
