im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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