You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
